


all the love was hesitated

by kingdra (aroceu)



Series: July 2017 Advent Calendar [8]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, Getting Together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 15:05:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11466087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/kingdra
Summary: You've got to believe in a lot of things to believe in love.





	all the love was hesitated

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ackermanx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ackermanx/gifts).



> For my advent calendar!

i.

You've got to believe in a lot of things to believe in love.

ii.

She's nine when her mother dies. The sky is clear grey – the saddest day of her life, the sun shielded by the clouds, as if saying, _it'll be alright, I'm here._ It's morning and her father is in the house, curled around her mother's body.

Luna is outside and looking up at the sky. _I'm here_ , the sky says. Luna doesn't know if it'll be alright, but she wants to understand it.

iii.

When she gets into Hogwarts, she's sorted into Ravenclaw. _Have you a ready mind_ , the Hat says. Luna's not sure if her mind is ready, but she sits at the table next to a pretty girl. She doesn't know what year the girl is other than older than her, and the girl smiles at her as she sits down.

"Congratulations," the girl says. Everyone else is clapping as per expected, but the girl's turned fully to Luna, like she's the only person in the world.

"Thank you," Luna says quietly.

She thinks of her mother, _I'm here_. _I'm in Ravenclaw_ , Luna thinks. _I'm in Ravenclaw, Mum. There's a girl who's said congratulations to me, and I must have a ready mind._

iv.

They don't really talk to her, the other girls – or the boys, or anyone in her year. She's partnered with a Slytherin boy named Harper in Herbology who tells her she has weird eyes. Luna's good at Transfigurations and Potions and Charms, and at least Professor Flitwick likes her. She helps him sort the items he uses for the students to practice on before every class, and he asks her once if she has detention. She says no.

v.

And so go on the next four years.

Luna goes to the Quidditch games sometimes, the ones where Ravenclaw is playing, anyway. In her first year she sees the girl who had spoken to her after she got Sorted zooming around on her broomstick, the near fastest on the pitch.

Luna wonders – she's not afraid of falling, but since her mother, suddenly everything feels terrifying, thinking about it. Watching the girl, though – Cho, she finds out later – and she thinks it might be freeing, fast, something where she might forget about everything else.

But she knows she won't try out for Quidditch, so she watches Cho and the Ravenclaw team play. They lose; they win; Cho catches the small golden ball trying to speed away from her in her fist, raises it in victory. Cho is quick, a shooting star, and Luna, in the stands, wishes upon her.

vi.

In her fourth year, Harry Potter talks to her on the Hogwarts Express and forms the D.A.

Luna finds herself talking to Ginny Weasley, which is nice – they've lived near each other, but Luna never particularly talked to her before.

Cho is also in the D.A., and waves at Luna when they arrive for their first meeting. "Hi Luna," Cho says to her, and Luna is surprised – she hadn't expected Cho to know her name. "This should be fun, shouldn't it?"

"Yes, I do think so," Luna says. "Defence is fascinating, even though I'm not very good at it."

Cho laughs. "Neither am I," she says. "It's easier to study and follow instructions, but – with Umbridge here, we'll need to learn Defence Harry's way, won't we?"

"I believe that's much more sensible," Luna agrees.

Cho smiles at her, and Luna realises it's the first time she's seen Cho do such a thing since school started. Luna watches sometimes, across the common room, in the cascade of the fireplace light washed on Cho's cheeks. She's kept to herself, and Luna finds herself saying –

"I'm sorry," she says. "For – last summer."

Cho's smile dims a bit, but her dimples press tryingly. "It's – It happened," she says, and takes a deep breath. "Thank you."

Luna doesn't know what to say, but Cho's hand brushes against hers as Harry calls them over. Luna's stomach flips as she sees Cho smile at Harry, and is replaced with a tightening in her chest.

vii.

Luna knows what this feeling is, when her gaze lingers too long on Cho, the way she watches Cho giggle with Harry, wishes it was her that was making Cho blush.

viii.

(She's not sure if she calls it love, though.)

ix.

On a night in June, Luna lingers by the Ravenclaw fireplace. She watches the sparks flicker from wood to wood, dances the flames with her wand. She doesn't know the time; the common room is empty.

There are footsteps down the girls' tower. Luna doesn't lift her head up, but finding Cho settling next to her is not what she expected.

In the dim orange glow, Cho asks, "Why are you down here?"

They've talked some during D.A. meetings, back and forth, Cho smiling at her in the corridors and on their way to Ravenclaw Tower. But Cho is here now, eyes curious, big, dark as the night sky outside.

Luna says, "My mum passed five years ago today."

Cho is quiet. Her hand finds Luna, gentle, a squeeze. It reminds her of Harry, when she had talked to him earlier today, told him about her mum – he hadn't told her that it was today, though. She doesn't want him knowing that yet.

Luna says, "I imagine you miss him too."

Cho nods. She's not crying, but Luna can see the shine in her eyes.

Luna remembers seeing the girls around Cho disappear, remembers seeing Cho alone since the spring, isolated in her grief. Cho is still holding her hand when Luna asks, "Can we be friends?"

A surprised laugh startles out of Cho. "Sure," she says immediately.

Luna smiles.

x.

Luna studies for her O.W.L.s the next year, with Ginny who's taken to the Quibbler with her. They study in the library, poring over books and Ginny cracking jokes every once in a while.

They're reading quietly, Luna going over third year Potions material, when a shadow falls across the table.

"Can I sit here?" Cho asks.

Ginny looks up at her with some surprise. "Chang?" she says, and Cho shrugs before looking at Luna.

Luna nods. "Of course," she says, making room with her bag. Cho sits next to her, and Luna tries not to feel too pleased.

Ginny is watching them carefully, but Luna gives her a reassuring smile.

Cho sighs and says, "I've got N.E.W.T.s this year."

"We've got O.W.L.s," Luna says.

"That's what we're studying for right now," Ginny says. "Luna was the one who wanted to start studying so early."

Cho nods. "Well, you've a lot of material to cover, so it's better to start as soon as possible."

Ginny stares at them. "Ravenclaws," she mutters to herself. " _Swots_."

Luna and Cho giggle and then glance at each other. Luna feels her cheeks warm when she quickly glances away, but when she peeks back at Cho she sees that her cheeks are pink too.

xi.

Cho is better at Quidditch this year. Luna comes to every practice and every game, because Cho's old friends aren't her friends anymore and Luna likes the way that Cho leans into her like she's the only person in the world. They sit together at breakfast, lunch, and dinner; sometimes Ginny joins them, brings her friends from Gryffindor.

They haven't got D.A. meetings and Luna and Cho don't live in the same dormitory. But sometimes Cho comes down the tower to Luna, sniffling in the middle of the night, and they sit at the foot of Luna's bed, not saying anything, Luna's arm wrapped around Cho's shoulders.

xii.

"I don't think we ever stop grieving," Luna says to Cho, that June. "But I think we live through it."

The smile Cho sends Luna makes her heart skip, makes her understand, for just a moment—

xiii.

The next year is when everything changes.

Cho is gone. The D.A. has started again, except this time led by Neville and it's not lessons in Defence, but Defence in action. Every day, Luna thinks about dying. She doesn't fear it, not anymore – she thinks of her mother, and of dying.

She gets pulled out of Hogwarts, and her dad says, "I've to protect you, Luna." He hugs her. "Everything I do is for you."

"Of course, Dad," Luna says, hugging him back.

(This, she understands, will never be able to replace.)

xiv.

So Luna's home, and she draws. She draws pictures of her friends, because she's got them now – pictures of Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, Neville Longbottom, and even Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. In her time at home, she colors, outlines every detail of their faces, remembers the traces of their chin, freckle, cheek.

She draws Cho.

The picture of Cho in her mind is more difficult to find, because Luna doesn't know how to transcribe everything from the light in Cho's eyes to the sideways curve of her smile into drawing, doesn't know how to make it perfect. She tries and Vanishes ink and tries again. She has to get Cho perfect.

Her portrait of Cho is not perfect, but it makes Luna miss her terribly, makes her heart rise up to her throat before she even knows it. Cho should be safe, she tells herself; they used to owl before owls would get intercepted. Cho told her about reconciling with her old friends, what life is like after Hogwarts, and her house in the summer.

Cho is beautiful in Luna's room, and she will be safe.

xv.

At the battle of Hogwarts, Luna sees Cho again – and it's a mess getting from one end of the Room to the other, from the conversations that are going on, from Harry Potter, from Luna leading him to Ravenclaw Tower and back.

But Cho rushes at her, when they've got the time, when they've got the space, and says, "You're alright."

Luna says, "I am," and they're smiling at each other, like they're old friends even though Luna still feels terribly like everything is new.

Cho, reaching out for her hand, says, "Let's fight."

"Yes," Luna agrees, wrapping her fingers around Cho's, and they take off.

xvi.

When it's all over, they're sitting on the bottom of some broken steps when Cho says, "I've got to do something, but I'm not sure you'll like it."

"What is it?" Luna asks.

Cho shakes her head. "I meant to, earlier, in case we didn't – " She bites her lip and looks at Luna nervously.

She darts her head in and presses Luna's lips against hers.

Luna blinks. Cho's cheeks are washed pink, hypnotizing, dark, and Luna can't look away. Cho is staring into her lap, and Luna wants her to do it again – wants to press herself into Cho, words that she doesn't know how to say rising from the depths of her heart.

Luna slips her hand into Cho's and says, "Please do that again."

xvii.

And when Cho beams at her, Luna knows this is love.


End file.
